fight or flight

Panic. That system flushing sensation of a million miles a minute. It's not something that comes on slowly. No no, it hits you so hard and so fast no clear thoughts can break through. Something inside our instinctual human selves is telling us that our environment is a dangerous one. Our safety is threatened.

Last week while happily heading up our usual path at Griffith Park, Rob and I saw something strange. A medium sized rodent with big eyes was crouched off to the side of the wide dirt trail.  Just as the words "hey look..." left my lips we both spotted the large Rattlesnake immediately behind this poor little thing. Adrenaline shot through my veins so quickly I could have sprinted back down the trail fast enough to medal in the Olympics (there's a yellow medal right?).  Rob inched closer and tried to get it to go away by throwing things at it. That snake only had eyes for it's meal. I ran past the duo instead of back down because no way in hell was I giving up my daily hike because of a hungry snake. I wanted to run all the way to the Observatory, but Rob wanted to stay and try to get it off the trail even as I begged him to stop.  Finally, the waiting was over and the snake slowly started to circle around so it could swallow the prey headfirst. I convinced him to give up at that point and Rob, ever the protector, came with me. It took a few minutes, but once the danger was out of sight my breathing began to return to normal and I no longer felt dizzy and shaky.

I spent some time today thinking about our human panic response. Often it's referred to as our "fight or flight" reaction. Our bodies are swiftly energized to either fight whatever may be threatening us or to run away from it until we're in a safe place.  But what happens when the threat isn't something we can see? What about when the thing that we are most afraid of is inside our own minds? We still have the immediate and sudden urge to fight it or to escape, but those aren't options when the danger is our own thoughts, our own feelings.  And so we panic and have no resolution. All of the physical symptoms are the same. The breathing that can turn to hyperventilating, the shaking that makes you wrap your arms tight around your body in an attempt to slow the personal earthquake, the racing thoughts that make very little sense, the realization that you are out of control...and nowhere to run. It's impossible to hide from the monsters in your head.

Nobody can throw sticks at your fear or help you run away. Our fears will always live in those crevices we like to ignore. What I started to wonder is what if we were able to call them by name.  What if we went on a snake hunt inside our own hearts and named each demon we found there. Oh it's you Fear of Abandonment. I see you're still ugly Fear of Death. And you.. Fear of Change..I thought you'd moved on by now. What if we could look each one in the eye and see them as part of ourselves and by doing that somehow take away their power to sneak up on us in the dark.  It's wishful thinking I'm sure, but I'm not above wishes.

On our way back down that same trail at the end of our hike, we rounded the bend to find other hikers watching what I imagine is the local Griffith Park snake wrangler shooing that Rattlesnake off the trail with a very long stick. It was a slow process. The snake had a full belly and a bad attitude, but eventually made its way down into the brush to hide and digest.  I found that I was much less afraid of snakes after this encounter. There is no longer the "what if" in my mind of what it would be like and what I would do. Now I know. Now I'm tentative but not immobilized...

As we continued down past the wrangler, I heard him say "I've seen bigger ones than this up here!"

I may borrow that line on my next snake hunt.

pictures and lies: big sur

This is going to be a very random post. You've been warned. It's full of jumbled thoughts I've been tossing around today and I guess I'll let them tumble out here in this safe little corner of mine.

Last week my love and I went to camp on the Big Sur coast. We've been there a few times and had our eye on one particular campground: Kirk Creek.  This campground is small but it is right on a bluff overlooking the ocean. I've never seen another place like it and I wonder if I ever will. It appears to be heaven on earth for campers. Appearance is the theme of my messy mind... 

So we arrived early at the campground and it was full of course. We waited and drove around and finally nabbed a spot that was mislabeled as reserved. Campsite #10 looked perfect. Without trees but lots of lush brush around and a nice soft spot for the tent. The view was astounding and the restroom was close but not too close. Appearances...

People spend a lot of time online these days. A lot. I'm obviously one of them. Facebook has taken over our social lives and is causing them harm in my opinion. People's "wall" is how you perceive their lives. You may see them happily laying in the park with their family or at an awesome concert or show and see them post updates about fabulous things they are thinking and doing or even just witty notes on life. What you don't see is the dirty stuff. You don't see that they are depressed most of the day and struggle to get to the park at all. You don't see that they have a serious addiction to alcohol or drugs or porn or that they have other disorders of the mind or body. No, you see you're "friend" that you keep lightly in touch with and assume they have the best life and never know how much they need more than just the obligatory happy birthday post or that you "like" their newest picture or quote. 

It's the same for blogs and mine is no exception. 

Back to my Big Sur trip. Yes it was gorgeous and I had so many moments of awe and wonder at mother nature and that these places still exist.  So, normally I'd just post these pictures and let you think that I had yet another perfect camping trip with my husband...

hiking the bluffs

limekiln state park beach

striking what i call my "senior class picture" pose

we love big sur!

nature taking back the forest in limekiln state park

our own pocket of heaven

heck yes nature!

Okay so you see we had a couple days of hiking on bluffs overlooking pristine coastline and talking and joking and we had a few serious gut busting laughter outbursts that were much needed. But what these pictures won't show you is the bathroom at the campground was basically not functioning and we weren't near any other toilets or even big trees to hide behind. The campground was so isolated that there was actually not much to do right there so we ended up driving up and down the coast a lot...searching for bathrooms most of the time. This led to bickering and anxiety and stomach pain on my part. We had at least 4-8 squirrels attacking our campsite at all times. They were merciless. It was almost worse than bear camping because at least bears aren't all up in your business nonstop. All of our hikes were made difficult by copious amounts of poison oak which looks so much like tons of other plants (to me) that I had to be reminded constantly which ones were and weren't poisonous so I was mostly gingerly sidestepping everything on every trail and not able to look around me to soak in all the views.

It sounds like I'm complaining but i'm not. I'm saying we had a great trip that we ended a day early because I couldn't do it anymore. I admit I gave up and decided I wanted my bathroom and my bed and we left. I'm telling you the little ugly parts because EVERYBODY has them. Nothing is ever perfect. No trip will ever be completely without new challenges. Life isn't wonderful all the time! The trick is remembering that it's not just you with the issues and with the daily struggles that sometimes render you devastated and feeling alone.

I gave myself a break from Facebook a while ago figuring that it would only be a matter of time before I went back. So far I don't miss it and sometimes forget it's even there.  In no way AT ALL am I saying anyone should leave Facebook, I'm just asking that you remember that what you see when you click on your friend, sister, brother, co-worker is just a Wall. Walls are not people.

And i'll be back to Big Sur many MANY times. I'll just be bringing my own portable toilet and hiking pants so I can tromp through the poison underbrush.

I have no solution yet for the squirrels but sometimes you have to just pull up your tent stakes and call it a day.

urban bag bag

urban outfitters reusable shopping bag

cut off handle

cut in half 

hem leaving small opening to thread elastic through.  sew up open side.

i cut an opening and stitched the edges so it wouldn't tear.

use cut off portion for hook

done. problem is it only holds about 20 of my gazillion plastic bags.

a day

some days will stand out in the library of my mind like splashes of red on snow. monday was a day... so full of emotion that i still don't know how to file it away. i may never know. it began with the decision to climb a mountain. mt. san antonio or more widely recognized as "mt. baldy".  rob and i packed our daypacks and made a quick trader joes stop before making the hour drive into the san bernardino mountains. usually i read emails or play a game on my phone when rob is driving. usually i try to pass the time on the freeway by distracting myself. i didn't on monday. on monday my eyes were fully on the road ahead. when we came on the scene of the accident my first thought was that we'd now be stuck in traffic because someone had blown a tire. my second thought was that it must have just happened because no police officers were there yet. my third thought was look away look away look away o fuck o fuck no.  my hand over my face and barely able to breathe. no more thoughts only a picture. silence. rob and myself in complete horrified shock. silence. park at the trail. we talked it out for a while and i cried and then we knew that all we could do was continue on and climb. the nearly 4,000 foot climb in a short four miles was perhaps one of the most difficult hikes i've been on. and yet, i had only one picture in my mind and i'd do anything to erase it or at least climb a mountain because i could. because i was alive. sunburned and sweaty, we found the top and celebrated the view. the mood finally was lifting and i felt so proud of myself for making it and not giving up or even threatening to give up as i often do. i looked in all directions and noticed a helicopter getting closer. military bird of some sort. they circled low and rob gave a friendly wave. they circled again, slower.  my first thought was wow this is so cool to see up close on the top of a mountain. my second thought was i can't believe they are getting so close and landing just a short distance away from us. my third thought was o fuck there is gravel shooting at my body and i have nowhere to take cover. i ducked and grabbed my shirt in an attempt to cover my face at least so i could breathe. the chopper was so loud and gravel was hitting me from every direction. i can't explain the feeling of helplessness and fear that drenched me in those few minutes. finally they lifted off and left us shaken and abused and pissed off. every pore was full of sand and small rocks.  they were coming back. rob and i started back down as quickly as we could with this sense of being under attack by boys who are supposed to protect and serve. they circled low a few times as if teasing us but we were out of the way by then. the hike down the mountain was equally as strenuous as the trek up so when we reached the car i was shaky but again just thrilled i'd done it.

i climbed my first mountain. it started out as a goal for myself but in the end i did it for him. it was the only way i could find to honor a stranger who gave me the gift of valuing my life as he lost his own.

a visit

oh new york i do love you. please stop being so far away from california...

henry henry henry

a visit to the prospect park zoo proved fruitless in the hunt for wild animals...or did it

henry and bryant park... my happy place just got exponentially happier

my favorite way to ride the subway

brooklyn knows my name

henry's fan club

a blue moon

excuse me while i kiss the sky

i've been a little distracted by nature recently... i hesitate to even post the evidence because pictures are no placeholder for seeing magic firsthand. all i can say is go. look. be humbled and remember that pictures my say a thousand words but no words have been invented for these places.

zion national park : observation point

arches national park 

arches national park

colorado : somewhere between durango and silverton

zion national park : west rim

sequoia national park 

mesa verde

sequoia national park

Leah

Happy Birthday Leah!!

You may be all the way over in the land where they use the same word for hello and goodbye (a clear sign they are ultra relaxed) but it only means your birthday will be delayed by about three hours. I think you should look at it as an excuse to celebrate longer. You only turn thirty once... did you honestly love your twenties so much that you don't welcome a brand new decade of adventure? My lovely dearest little sister, I was going to come up with a list of advice for you as you enter into this new world of pretend adulthood but I realized that it doesn't matter.  At this point in your life you clearly know that things must be learned individually to make any difference whatsoever. No, no advice for you. You aren't the type to need it. I know that if you want my advice you'll ask for it. What I realized today when I was walking and thinking about you and how much I love you and what I would like to tell you on your birthday is only how much I have learned from YOU in the last thirty years. I don't know how I lucked out to have not only a big sister to learn from and look up to but also a little sister to quietly teach me about what's truly important in life.  

a few of the many things i've learned from my little sister

~ you can only take orders for so long and then it's healthy to put your foot down and say "no i will NOT go get you a drink of water rachael, mom says i don't have to listen to you"

~ even rubber dishgloves can be magically transformed into princess accessories.

~ thunderstorms and fire alarms are two things that make the pain of sharing a room worth it.

~ if you just smile, your opponents will never know you're bluffing.

~ Dumbo never loses its charm. The Little Mermaid does.

~ courage is attending the same schools your two sisters went to and having all the same teachers.

~ stick to your decisions even when it seems the world is against you. 

~ small talk is exactly that.

~ love is quiet and constant.

~ it's possible to think for yourself and to disagree without being rude. 

~ being serious and believing in magic can coexist in one person.

~ popcorn is a food group and so is frozen yogurt.

~ zoo animals need to be visited by people who love them and give them relief from whiny children.

~ anything and everything is better when shared with a sister.

~ carrots should be eaten whole and preferably on vineyard hunts.

~ trust must be earned and then kept.

~ books can be real friends.

~ music controls moods. (just put down the arcade fire and back away slowly).

~ the sure cure for your sister's hangover is to surprise her in the mountains for HER thirtieth birthday.

~ don't apologize if you aren't sorry.

~ most emotions can be conveyed with the eyes alone. 

~ sharing is more fun.

~ being tall is just as hard as being short. (maybe harder)(ok fine, it's harder).

~ do not be fake.

That last one is the main thing I think I learn from you over and over again.  I look at you and I see a woman who lives her life as she chooses but without hurting anyone around her in the process. Rather, you enrich the lives of everyone around you. There is no selfishness, no envy or greed. You are genuine in all things. Never fake. When you're generous, it's because you want to share.  When you help, it's because you want to make something or someone better. When you say nice things, it's because you're truly thinking them. I don't know very many people that have mastered being completely themselves without re-forming to those around them over and over again every day.  You are simply a real girl, as hard as it may be sometimes. Thank you for always inspiring me to find and be myself. Whenever I'm in doubt, I just do my best impression of you.

I love you so very much.

May your birthday be so full of magic that it spills over into all of the days following...

actually...i do

sprout

a little random thought/realization/epiphany came over me yesterday.  i spend quite a bit of time feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. i want to experience so many things. i want to see the world. i want to live in the country and have a garden. i want to live in the city and be part of the crazed madness that is New York or L.A. or Paris. i want to sing. i want to dance. i want to hike until my legs won't take another step. i want to relax on a tropical island and read for days in the sun. i want to be a gypsy. i want to wear high heels and makeup.i want to go without makeup for months. i want to learn. i want to forget....

overwhelmed.

yesterday i was pondering my life so far after spending some time on the phone with my best friend wishing her a happy birthday. my thoughts were tracing the lines of her life and mine. what we've done and where we've been. suddenly i realized that i am actually living the life i want just not all at once. i'm living it the way life is supposed to be lived. i can't be everything all at once. i can't see the whole world in one trip. i can't live in multiple cities simultaneously. until yesterday that thought has sent me into a spiral of madness that ends typically with my head in my hands as i slowly give up in the frustration.

but here i am. almost 33 years into my life and i can start to look behind me as well as in front of me. i havn't seen the whole world but i'm slowly seeing pieces of it. i've lived in a small town and had something close to a garden. i now live in a crazy big city, maybe the biggest and most surely one of the craziest. it's not New York or Paris but i love Los Angeles and i still can't figure out why. i've been a singer and i have the the album to prove it. i've danced and i have the bad joints to prove it. i've been on so many hikes i'm losing track and planning more. i've worn heels and makeup and dressed fancy almost every day for months in a row.  at the moment i put makeup on maybe once a week. i'm always learning.

and i'm slowly realizing i don't want to forget.

R

estranged memories

memories are strange creatures. what i recall as beautiful and shimmering with near perfection, another player in the moment might see as dull and common. they may not remember at all. i wonder what makes us remember, and why we shade memories the way we do. i have three siblings to remind me of things i've forgotten and vice versa. our shared memories often tell quite different versions of the same snapshot in time. i wonder why. why one afternoon in 1989 jumps out of my mind as if it happened yesterday, but i can't remember most of my high school experience. are my memories true i wonder. are lies told in the small spaces of my mind that i know only as truth... can we trust our own memories? 

just bumping around in my mind today.