Fear of Happiness

Are we afraid to be happy? 

Rolling around like a lost pinball, this thought has been refusing to go away. I don't have any answers yet and I doubt I ever will, but I have my suspicions. Being a happy person comes with a certain sense of responsibility to remain happy. If a generally happy individual admits to being in a bad mood aren't we (the sad and envious) a little disappointed? Dare I say angry? If someone asks you how you are, and you respond that you're doing "great!" do you have a tinge of fear that they will expect more of you? They might expect you to cheer them up or to have a sunny outlook all the time. A bad day isn't allowed. 

What if every morning you say to yourself "I choose happiness" and find that by mid-afternoon you have hidden under the covers and decided to sleep through the rest of the day rather than deal with crippling depression? Fear of failure, even just in your own eyes, can be immobilizing. 

I have only just begun down this trail of choosing happiness. I've spent so many days of this life blanketed by fear. It's only now that I realize I've been afraid of happiness and all it could mean for me. Depression is not something I'll make light of. I don't even want to delve into it in this post except to say that I do NOT believe you can just choose one day to snap your fingers and wave goodbye to depression. What I do believe is that everyone deserves to be happy and without being scared that they won't be allowed to be sad ever again. We should feel safe asking for help on the path to happiness without fear of letting down others or ourselves. 

I'm starting to think some are afraid to be happy because of our culture's idea of what's "cool".  Let's face it, the cool kids wear black, scowl a lot and listen to music you havn't even heard of. They drip with moods that are dark and considered deeper than the cheerful folks. If someone in marketing wants to sell a product based on it's "hip" factor, I doubt they show a smiling monk or a bubbly child in their advertisement. Does our society view happiness as a clear sign that one is unintelligent and boring? I suspect so. 

If you have a lifetime built up around a certain identity it can be terrifying to let that identity go even if that mask is one you hate. It's still how you identify yourself and who would you be otherwise? That may be the most terrifying thing of all: loss of self even if it is a loathed one.  

For me, the biggest fear of this quest for happier life is that I fully believe I will always struggle with depression and I may face entire decades where happiness eludes me completely. Someday I hope I don't believe this anymore. For now, I'm choosing to start small and admit that I'm happy at this moment. Aside from all of the worries I have today, I can still choose to be positive right now. Now is all I have.

Podcast Linktacular

artist Brian Despain

I listen to podcasts more than actual music these days. It all started with This American Life. Radiolab soon followed, and before I knew it I was addicted to more than a handful. I hike almost every day and if Rob isn't here, my hiking partners are the podcasts carefully selected for "Today". Yep, that's a special folder on my iPhone specifically for the podcasts designated for, you guessed it, today. It's a new level of geekery that I'm not embarrassed about and excited to share! I fully believe there is a podcast out there for everyone. Here are a few that fit me just right:

When I want to think and learn:

This American Life
Radiolab
Freakonomics
Stuff Mom Never Told You
A Way With Words
Wait Wait Don't Tell Me

When I want to laugh:

The Ronna and Beverly Show
The Smartest Man in the World


When I just want to hear other people talk about stuff:

The Nerdist
Bullseye
Sound Opinions
Ask Me Another

All of these are free in Itunes.  Did you hear that? I said FREE ENTERTAINMENT that leaves your eyeballs to do other useful things! It's radio the way it should be people and it's better than whatever channel surfing you've been doing. If you have favorite podcasts PLEASE PLEASE comment and tell me what they are. Even you, stranger who stumbled upon this blog accidently at four in the morning...I want to know what podcasts you love the most!  

Crocodile Meditation

Have you ever had one of those weeks you wish you could do over? A few too many sighs and mis-steps. Maybe, like me, you wake up on Monday morning with a few unexplainable bruises. Words were spoken out of frustration, out of fear, taken out of context, taken as criticism. Interactions refused to stay on the conversational path they set out on but instead careened off into the bramble where only the darker ideas live and multiply. Thoughts were mini daggers behind the curtain of your eyelids held in only by lashes closed tight in frustration. A certain point is reached where it's forgotten that peace is just right there waiting for you. One day turns into four turns into smack in the middle of day seven and you still struggling to keep a nose above water.

It's at this moment I highly recommend Crocodile Meditation (not to be confused with Crocodile Rock). Crocodile Meditation takes place in water, the bathtub. Crocodiles love lavender scented bubble bath. Fill the tub with the perfect temperature water and bubbles enough to hide under. Either devoid of clothing or in your favorite swim gear, slip into the water and submerge your body almost completely. Only your head from the nose up should remain above bubble level. Make sure to tilt your head back so that your ears can hear nothing but the underwater sound of your own breathing. Close your eyes or stare into the bubbly clouds and breathe slowly and peacefully through your nose. That is all. Stay there until your fingers are all pruny and you can finally hear that small voice in your head. The one that's always there telling you everything will be alright. That's the voice so easily lost in the noise of daily life but it's the only one you should be listening to.

Oh, and we do get a do over! Every day, every week is a new opportunity. Don't waste any more time in regret.  The truth is that every minute is new. Nothing ever stays the same, the good or the bad. The trick is to realize this in the middle of it all.

dissolved

Among men, it seems, historically at any rate, that processes of co-ordination and disintegration follow each other with great regularity, and the index of the co-ordination is the measure of the disintegration which follows. There is no mob like a group of well-drilled soldiers when they have thrown off their discipline. And there is no lostness like that which comes to a man when a perfect and certain pattern has dissolved about him. There is no hater like one who has greatly loved. 

-John Steinbeck

lost

lost in thought

in time

in space

losing grip 

i had 

i held

told the truth

in theory

in love

hearing voices

i have 

i hold

The Thought

Photoshop is evil. It should be killed but it won't be. The "media" is pointing a sticky finger at itself for manipulating images of people causing all of us living 3D human beings to feel like we should look flat and smooth (and only a few inches tall AT MOST).   We tell ourselves that the images aren't real and yet we still look in the bathroom mirror in the morning and cringe in horror.  The usual reaction is to go as quickly as possible to the store to buy things that will aid in our goal of looking flat and smooth. Well played "media"... well played.

A thought popped into my brain tonight as I was nearly (oh wait is that a drop of...) drooling over fabulous shots of faraway places. This thought almost knocked over all the other thoughts on it's way to the front of the line. Many thoughts were maimed and one in particular remains in a state of shock, but don't worry, that thought is especially sensitive.  It happened when a gorgeous shot of Washington State came into view. I grew up in Washington. Most of it is quite beautiful. Some of it is not. This picture somehow made one of the ugly areas look like a place I'd want to build a house and retire and yet I know it looks nothing like that in person! The Thought tapped the back of my eyeballs and said "hey you're being duped about everything you don't see for yourself!".  The Thought was being slightly preachy and condescending but who am I to argue with my own thoughts? 

It was a big moment for me. I'm used to reminding myself that people in pictures are made to appear perfect, but had never considered that my own backyard might have more in common than I realize with the backyard I'm lusting after online. The only way to know for sure is to explore not only those far away places, but to go outside right here where I live in search of the beauty that lies just outside the front door.

I will not be building a house and retiring in Washington. Sorry Dad.

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seeing sun spots

don't let the smiles fool you.
we're suffering from a severe case of heat exhaustion 

This post was going to be about how hot it's been and how I'm officially sick of being overly warm all day and all night. I was going to talk about how I have spent the last few years wishing for that hot summer feeling when a girl (or a boy) can wear a sundress and flip flops all day and not even feel the tiniest chill. A summer that has you pulling the shades all day to keep your un-airconditioned apartment from slowly cooking you alive. I've been hankering for days of doing nothing but sipping iced drinks and laying on a blanket in the park for hours. I thought I'd write about how mother nature has once again taught me a little lesson: be careful what you wish for...

Instead I'm going to distract myself with things that pass the time until that cursed orb tucks itself behind the Santa Monica Mountains.  And while I'm at it, I might as well share!


The Oatmeal

Van Life

Cracked

Brain Pickings

Environmental Graffiti

The Cool Hunter


Those should keep you busy for a while, but I have plenty more where those came from so let me know if you have even more time to kill! As for me, I'll be googling things like how to treat my brand spanking new heat rash...or is it a hot new spanking rash? I can't keep track these days.

kaput

kaput = broken and useless. no longer working or effective. 

i used to feel an intense sense of responsibility to repair the broken hearts of people i love. i would lay awake at night trying to find the answer, a way to make it all better. my heart would hurt and sometimes break for them.  this does not help a broken heart.  reaching inside my chest and ripping my own heart out, throwing it on the floor so that it would crash into pieces next to their own pile of hurt never made anything better.  i'm starting to see things in a different way. i will never be able to solve someone else's issues. i can't make everything better. offering my shoulder to weep on and the knowledge that i will always be here to listen without judgement and without pulling out my toolbox...well it keeps my head above water so that at least one of us has a handle on things. i would like to be the ray of light, the hopeful voice. i can be the one who understands (because you better believe i've been there) but rather than laying down to die in the hole with you i could jump down and hold your hand and tell you the air outside feels so nice today. you don't have to come out to play just now but when you're ready i'll carry you out.

walking in l.a.

when in doubt

walk it off