lost

lost in thought

in time

in space

losing grip 

i had 

i held

told the truth

in theory

in love

hearing voices

i have 

i hold

The Thought

Photoshop is evil. It should be killed but it won't be. The "media" is pointing a sticky finger at itself for manipulating images of people causing all of us living 3D human beings to feel like we should look flat and smooth (and only a few inches tall AT MOST).   We tell ourselves that the images aren't real and yet we still look in the bathroom mirror in the morning and cringe in horror.  The usual reaction is to go as quickly as possible to the store to buy things that will aid in our goal of looking flat and smooth. Well played "media"... well played.

A thought popped into my brain tonight as I was nearly (oh wait is that a drop of...) drooling over fabulous shots of faraway places. This thought almost knocked over all the other thoughts on it's way to the front of the line. Many thoughts were maimed and one in particular remains in a state of shock, but don't worry, that thought is especially sensitive.  It happened when a gorgeous shot of Washington State came into view. I grew up in Washington. Most of it is quite beautiful. Some of it is not. This picture somehow made one of the ugly areas look like a place I'd want to build a house and retire and yet I know it looks nothing like that in person! The Thought tapped the back of my eyeballs and said "hey you're being duped about everything you don't see for yourself!".  The Thought was being slightly preachy and condescending but who am I to argue with my own thoughts? 

It was a big moment for me. I'm used to reminding myself that people in pictures are made to appear perfect, but had never considered that my own backyard might have more in common than I realize with the backyard I'm lusting after online. The only way to know for sure is to explore not only those far away places, but to go outside right here where I live in search of the beauty that lies just outside the front door.

I will not be building a house and retiring in Washington. Sorry Dad.

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seeing sun spots

don't let the smiles fool you.
we're suffering from a severe case of heat exhaustion 

This post was going to be about how hot it's been and how I'm officially sick of being overly warm all day and all night. I was going to talk about how I have spent the last few years wishing for that hot summer feeling when a girl (or a boy) can wear a sundress and flip flops all day and not even feel the tiniest chill. A summer that has you pulling the shades all day to keep your un-airconditioned apartment from slowly cooking you alive. I've been hankering for days of doing nothing but sipping iced drinks and laying on a blanket in the park for hours. I thought I'd write about how mother nature has once again taught me a little lesson: be careful what you wish for...

Instead I'm going to distract myself with things that pass the time until that cursed orb tucks itself behind the Santa Monica Mountains.  And while I'm at it, I might as well share!


The Oatmeal

Van Life

Cracked

Brain Pickings

Environmental Graffiti

The Cool Hunter


Those should keep you busy for a while, but I have plenty more where those came from so let me know if you have even more time to kill! As for me, I'll be googling things like how to treat my brand spanking new heat rash...or is it a hot new spanking rash? I can't keep track these days.

kaput

kaput = broken and useless. no longer working or effective. 

i used to feel an intense sense of responsibility to repair the broken hearts of people i love. i would lay awake at night trying to find the answer, a way to make it all better. my heart would hurt and sometimes break for them.  this does not help a broken heart.  reaching inside my chest and ripping my own heart out, throwing it on the floor so that it would crash into pieces next to their own pile of hurt never made anything better.  i'm starting to see things in a different way. i will never be able to solve someone else's issues. i can't make everything better. offering my shoulder to weep on and the knowledge that i will always be here to listen without judgement and without pulling out my toolbox...well it keeps my head above water so that at least one of us has a handle on things. i would like to be the ray of light, the hopeful voice. i can be the one who understands (because you better believe i've been there) but rather than laying down to die in the hole with you i could jump down and hold your hand and tell you the air outside feels so nice today. you don't have to come out to play just now but when you're ready i'll carry you out.

walking in l.a.

when in doubt

walk it off

fight or flight

Panic. That system flushing sensation of a million miles a minute. It's not something that comes on slowly. No no, it hits you so hard and so fast no clear thoughts can break through. Something inside our instinctual human selves is telling us that our environment is a dangerous one. Our safety is threatened.

Last week while happily heading up our usual path at Griffith Park, Rob and I saw something strange. A medium sized rodent with big eyes was crouched off to the side of the wide dirt trail.  Just as the words "hey look..." left my lips we both spotted the large Rattlesnake immediately behind this poor little thing. Adrenaline shot through my veins so quickly I could have sprinted back down the trail fast enough to medal in the Olympics (there's a yellow medal right?).  Rob inched closer and tried to get it to go away by throwing things at it. That snake only had eyes for it's meal. I ran past the duo instead of back down because no way in hell was I giving up my daily hike because of a hungry snake. I wanted to run all the way to the Observatory, but Rob wanted to stay and try to get it off the trail even as I begged him to stop.  Finally, the waiting was over and the snake slowly started to circle around so it could swallow the prey headfirst. I convinced him to give up at that point and Rob, ever the protector, came with me. It took a few minutes, but once the danger was out of sight my breathing began to return to normal and I no longer felt dizzy and shaky.

I spent some time today thinking about our human panic response. Often it's referred to as our "fight or flight" reaction. Our bodies are swiftly energized to either fight whatever may be threatening us or to run away from it until we're in a safe place.  But what happens when the threat isn't something we can see? What about when the thing that we are most afraid of is inside our own minds? We still have the immediate and sudden urge to fight it or to escape, but those aren't options when the danger is our own thoughts, our own feelings.  And so we panic and have no resolution. All of the physical symptoms are the same. The breathing that can turn to hyperventilating, the shaking that makes you wrap your arms tight around your body in an attempt to slow the personal earthquake, the racing thoughts that make very little sense, the realization that you are out of control...and nowhere to run. It's impossible to hide from the monsters in your head.

Nobody can throw sticks at your fear or help you run away. Our fears will always live in those crevices we like to ignore. What I started to wonder is what if we were able to call them by name.  What if we went on a snake hunt inside our own hearts and named each demon we found there. Oh it's you Fear of Abandonment. I see you're still ugly Fear of Death. And you.. Fear of Change..I thought you'd moved on by now. What if we could look each one in the eye and see them as part of ourselves and by doing that somehow take away their power to sneak up on us in the dark.  It's wishful thinking I'm sure, but I'm not above wishes.

On our way back down that same trail at the end of our hike, we rounded the bend to find other hikers watching what I imagine is the local Griffith Park snake wrangler shooing that Rattlesnake off the trail with a very long stick. It was a slow process. The snake had a full belly and a bad attitude, but eventually made its way down into the brush to hide and digest.  I found that I was much less afraid of snakes after this encounter. There is no longer the "what if" in my mind of what it would be like and what I would do. Now I know. Now I'm tentative but not immobilized...

As we continued down past the wrangler, I heard him say "I've seen bigger ones than this up here!"

I may borrow that line on my next snake hunt.

pictures and lies: big sur

This is going to be a very random post. You've been warned. It's full of jumbled thoughts I've been tossing around today and I guess I'll let them tumble out here in this safe little corner of mine.

Last week my love and I went to camp on the Big Sur coast. We've been there a few times and had our eye on one particular campground: Kirk Creek.  This campground is small but it is right on a bluff overlooking the ocean. I've never seen another place like it and I wonder if I ever will. It appears to be heaven on earth for campers. Appearance is the theme of my messy mind... 

So we arrived early at the campground and it was full of course. We waited and drove around and finally nabbed a spot that was mislabeled as reserved. Campsite #10 looked perfect. Without trees but lots of lush brush around and a nice soft spot for the tent. The view was astounding and the restroom was close but not too close. Appearances...

People spend a lot of time online these days. A lot. I'm obviously one of them. Facebook has taken over our social lives and is causing them harm in my opinion. People's "wall" is how you perceive their lives. You may see them happily laying in the park with their family or at an awesome concert or show and see them post updates about fabulous things they are thinking and doing or even just witty notes on life. What you don't see is the dirty stuff. You don't see that they are depressed most of the day and struggle to get to the park at all. You don't see that they have a serious addiction to alcohol or drugs or porn or that they have other disorders of the mind or body. No, you see you're "friend" that you keep lightly in touch with and assume they have the best life and never know how much they need more than just the obligatory happy birthday post or that you "like" their newest picture or quote. 

It's the same for blogs and mine is no exception. 

Back to my Big Sur trip. Yes it was gorgeous and I had so many moments of awe and wonder at mother nature and that these places still exist.  So, normally I'd just post these pictures and let you think that I had yet another perfect camping trip with my husband...

hiking the bluffs

limekiln state park beach

striking what i call my "senior class picture" pose

we love big sur!

nature taking back the forest in limekiln state park

our own pocket of heaven

heck yes nature!

Okay so you see we had a couple days of hiking on bluffs overlooking pristine coastline and talking and joking and we had a few serious gut busting laughter outbursts that were much needed. But what these pictures won't show you is the bathroom at the campground was basically not functioning and we weren't near any other toilets or even big trees to hide behind. The campground was so isolated that there was actually not much to do right there so we ended up driving up and down the coast a lot...searching for bathrooms most of the time. This led to bickering and anxiety and stomach pain on my part. We had at least 4-8 squirrels attacking our campsite at all times. They were merciless. It was almost worse than bear camping because at least bears aren't all up in your business nonstop. All of our hikes were made difficult by copious amounts of poison oak which looks so much like tons of other plants (to me) that I had to be reminded constantly which ones were and weren't poisonous so I was mostly gingerly sidestepping everything on every trail and not able to look around me to soak in all the views.

It sounds like I'm complaining but i'm not. I'm saying we had a great trip that we ended a day early because I couldn't do it anymore. I admit I gave up and decided I wanted my bathroom and my bed and we left. I'm telling you the little ugly parts because EVERYBODY has them. Nothing is ever perfect. No trip will ever be completely without new challenges. Life isn't wonderful all the time! The trick is remembering that it's not just you with the issues and with the daily struggles that sometimes render you devastated and feeling alone.

I gave myself a break from Facebook a while ago figuring that it would only be a matter of time before I went back. So far I don't miss it and sometimes forget it's even there.  In no way AT ALL am I saying anyone should leave Facebook, I'm just asking that you remember that what you see when you click on your friend, sister, brother, co-worker is just a Wall. Walls are not people.

And i'll be back to Big Sur many MANY times. I'll just be bringing my own portable toilet and hiking pants so I can tromp through the poison underbrush.

I have no solution yet for the squirrels but sometimes you have to just pull up your tent stakes and call it a day.

urban bag bag

urban outfitters reusable shopping bag

cut off handle

cut in half 

hem leaving small opening to thread elastic through.  sew up open side.

i cut an opening and stitched the edges so it wouldn't tear.

use cut off portion for hook

done. problem is it only holds about 20 of my gazillion plastic bags.

a day

some days will stand out in the library of my mind like splashes of red on snow. monday was a day... so full of emotion that i still don't know how to file it away. i may never know. it began with the decision to climb a mountain. mt. san antonio or more widely recognized as "mt. baldy".  rob and i packed our daypacks and made a quick trader joes stop before making the hour drive into the san bernardino mountains. usually i read emails or play a game on my phone when rob is driving. usually i try to pass the time on the freeway by distracting myself. i didn't on monday. on monday my eyes were fully on the road ahead. when we came on the scene of the accident my first thought was that we'd now be stuck in traffic because someone had blown a tire. my second thought was that it must have just happened because no police officers were there yet. my third thought was look away look away look away o fuck o fuck no.  my hand over my face and barely able to breathe. no more thoughts only a picture. silence. rob and myself in complete horrified shock. silence. park at the trail. we talked it out for a while and i cried and then we knew that all we could do was continue on and climb. the nearly 4,000 foot climb in a short four miles was perhaps one of the most difficult hikes i've been on. and yet, i had only one picture in my mind and i'd do anything to erase it or at least climb a mountain because i could. because i was alive. sunburned and sweaty, we found the top and celebrated the view. the mood finally was lifting and i felt so proud of myself for making it and not giving up or even threatening to give up as i often do. i looked in all directions and noticed a helicopter getting closer. military bird of some sort. they circled low and rob gave a friendly wave. they circled again, slower.  my first thought was wow this is so cool to see up close on the top of a mountain. my second thought was i can't believe they are getting so close and landing just a short distance away from us. my third thought was o fuck there is gravel shooting at my body and i have nowhere to take cover. i ducked and grabbed my shirt in an attempt to cover my face at least so i could breathe. the chopper was so loud and gravel was hitting me from every direction. i can't explain the feeling of helplessness and fear that drenched me in those few minutes. finally they lifted off and left us shaken and abused and pissed off. every pore was full of sand and small rocks.  they were coming back. rob and i started back down as quickly as we could with this sense of being under attack by boys who are supposed to protect and serve. they circled low a few times as if teasing us but we were out of the way by then. the hike down the mountain was equally as strenuous as the trek up so when we reached the car i was shaky but again just thrilled i'd done it.

i climbed my first mountain. it started out as a goal for myself but in the end i did it for him. it was the only way i could find to honor a stranger who gave me the gift of valuing my life as he lost his own.