Thursday, April 19, 2012


a little random thought/realization/epiphany came over me yesterday.  i spend quite a bit of time feeling overwhelmed and frustrated. i want to experience so many things. i want to see the world. i want to live in the country and have a garden. i want to live in the city and be part of the crazed madness that is New York or L.A. or Paris. i want to sing. i want to dance. i want to hike until my legs won't take another step. i want to relax on a tropical island and read for days in the sun. i want to be a gypsy. i want to wear high heels and makeup.i want to go without makeup for months. i want to learn. i want to forget....


yesterday i was pondering my life so far after spending some time on the phone with my best friend wishing her a happy birthday. my thoughts were tracing the lines of her life and mine. what we've done and where we've been. suddenly i realized that i am actually living the life i want just not all at once. i'm living it the way life is supposed to be lived. i can't be everything all at once. i can't see the whole world in one trip. i can't live in multiple cities simultaneously. until yesterday that thought has sent me into a spiral of madness that ends typically with my head in my hands as i slowly give up in the frustration.

but here i am. almost 33 years into my life and i can start to look behind me as well as in front of me. i havn't seen the whole world but i'm slowly seeing pieces of it. i've lived in a small town and had something close to a garden. i now live in a crazy big city, maybe the biggest and most surely one of the craziest. it's not New York or Paris but i love Los Angeles and i still can't figure out why. i've been a singer and i have the the album to prove it. i've danced and i have the bad joints to prove it. i've been on so many hikes i'm losing track and planning more. i've worn heels and makeup and dressed fancy almost every day for months in a row.  at the moment i put makeup on maybe once a week. i'm always learning.

and i'm slowly realizing i don't want to forget.


Sunday, April 1, 2012

estranged memories

memories are strange creatures. what i recall as beautiful and shimmering with near perfection, another player in the moment might see as dull and common. they may not remember at all. i wonder what makes us remember, and why we shade memories the way we do. i have three siblings to remind me of things i've forgotten and vice versa. our shared memories often tell quite different versions of the same snapshot in time. i wonder why. why one afternoon in 1989 jumps out of my mind as if it happened yesterday, but i can't remember most of my high school experience. are my memories true i wonder. are lies told in the small spaces of my mind that i know only as truth... can we trust our own memories? 

just bumping around in my mind today.