"In chaos, there is fertility"
I used to think I needed to change myself to become a better person. This idea that the only way I would ever be happy was to transform in some way haunted me. Trying to change who I am led to a state of alienation from myself. Who was I and why didn't I like that girl? Would I like her better if she had blonde hair? Tried that, nope. Maybe if she listened to different music and read better books? Fun for a while, but still no luck. When external changes didn't work, I started to think of ways to really change who I was from the inside, but that led to more unhappiness. After a few false starts and stops, I've decided not to change. Instead I want to learn to love myself as I am every day. Was I grouchy today? Ok, that's fine I can have compassion for that grouch and love her anyway. Did I let someone I love down? I can forgive myself and move on. Did life throw me a major curveball that I not only failed to catch but that hit me in the head? I've learned that I'm not an athlete but I make a darn good cheerleader. I think I'm learning each day how to take what I'm given and use it as fertilizer for growth, not change. I think I'll stay the same Rachael i've always been. She can learn to relax into just being herself and growing into her life as it comes.
What about you? Do you think you need to change? Do those thoughts help or harm? Is there a way you could stay who you are and grow in ways that make for a happier you? I'd love to know what you think. I'm just now getting a handle on this new way of thinking and would love some feedback. Let's support each other in growing our inner gardens not ripping them out!