Friday, March 2, 2012
"It's a good idea to wear latex gloves when you do your laundry" she preached from an uncomfortably close proximity as she tossed clothes into a washer. I looked up from my iphone in a polite manner I would soon regret. "Yes, you know you can get them in a box of twelve next door at Gelson's" her over lipsticked lips said a little too loudly. I wondered why she still had huge black sunglasses on but soon found out. You see, she had been a "victim of a violent crime" in 2009. Glendale theatre, three "african american men" attacked her with "chemicals to the face". The story went on as my washers finished and I longingly gazed at the two available dryers sure to be snatched up if I didn't move fast. She didn't even take a breath in the sordid tale of a tapped phone line (felony don't you know) and how she'd easily figured out that it was a local celebrity that paid these men to attack her and then paid off the Glendale police so that they would close the case. I was frozen, not in fear, but with sheer curiosity at where this tale could go. So I asked, "who was it?" She barely hesitated, "Queen Latifah!" who apparently has a long history of complaints against her by ex-staff and others who claim to be set up. All of these crimes in her quest to "get the statue". Red quickly regaled me with her personal resume, the first Pirates of the Carabbean movie where she was the one "flirting with Orlando Bloom" and many other parts in movies and t.v. shows. She was certain that she was up for a part in a Pirate sequel that Ms. Latifah wanted and based on this fact obviously decided to have her attacked in a public place with chemicals that disfigured Red's face so that she wouldn't get the job and the subsequent Best Supporting Actress award. I eventually texted for help and made my escape so that I could finish the laundry and go to the zoo. Little did I know I'd have the wildest view in the washing machine isle.